PB&J, hot wings, and a side of existential crisis

Do you ever have one of those moments that is just arbitrarily significant? There is nothing profound about the moment other than that it simply is. The other day I had one of those moments. Rushing to get out the door for work, I hastily threw together an array of foods for lunch: an apple, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, three left over hot wings, and fruit snacks. Holding a napkin under my chin and balancing my food precariously in my hands, I hurried to the car and began my drive to work. Sandwich in hand, I flipped through radio station after radio station, trying to find one that wasn’t playing Christmas music (despite my usual love for this season, events of this year have left me quite low in the Christmas Spirit department) and maybe it was the overall pathetic-ness of the situation, but for some bizarre, unknown reason this is the moment that put my life into perspective and sent a thousand questions running through my head.
I am a 21 year old soon-to-be college graduate working not in an internship within her field, but in a retail job. I am a girl with no foreseeable job offers and a good little chunk of debt. I am a girl who loves the company of her family and friends and yet I am a girl making the unprecedented decision to follow an urge to move half way across the country. Alone. To me, this combination sounds almost as pathetic as a lunch of PBJ and hot wings, and yet this is where my life is at.

So am I doing things right? At all?

By moving away am I running from my problems and insecurities? Or am I running headfirst into them, addressing my weaknesses and improving my quality of life? Are my priorities in the right places? Am I choosing the right career? Should I have chosen something that would make more of a difference, or is choosing a career that will support me and my family someday the more responsible decision? Should I have been more aggressive in seeking out internships? Is the fact that I’m worrying about this at all a sign that I’m on the right path, or a warning sign that I should be doing things differently? Am I missing red flags? Or am I blind to the green ones, ignoring signs that I should plunge head with my plans and letting my doubts keep me in a state of unnecessary panic?

I wish I could say that I have resolved each of these questions but, in reality, I’m just as confused as I was then. What I do know is that the only way I will find out the answers is if I go ahead and make the decisions in the first place. So, am I going to worry about the ramifications of my choices? Absolutely. But am I going to change my plans? Absolutely not.


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